I saw a meme a couple of days ago on Pinterest that read, “Today has been cancelled, go back to bed.” That was my mood exactly. I was emotional, irritated, frustrated, overwhelmed, scared, defeated, sad, angry, impatient, worried, cranky….hell any negative word you can think of, I was probably feeling it. I had just gotten some horrible news about a dear family member being diagnosed with cancer again…and I literally just broke down. I just wanted to lay in the bed, pull the covers over my face, listen to sad music, cry, and sleep the day away.
After watching my Mom go through her devastating journey of breast cancer, I don’t think I have the strength to witness another person I love go through another chemo treatment or series of drug trials. While I absolutely believe that Jesus is the healer, I didn’t that day. My faith decreased, my fear increased and it consumed me to the point I felt like a zombie.
Normally I get bent out of shape even more for feeling and/or acting contrary to my faith, but today I’m giving myself a pass. I’m human. Hell, I’m allowed to have a bad day every once in a while. The key though, is that I didn’t stay there…and trust me, after my Mom died, I remember how easy it is to stay in a dark place.
So this morning, I slowly rolled out the bed (and I emphasize slowly), took a 40 minute shower, pulled my hair back in a pony-tail, but on my ugly jeans and an oversized raggedy t-shirt, and slowly regained my strength to feel alive again.
Cancer sucks!!! And it’s becoming too normal. I don’t want this to be a normal in my life. I refuse to accept it!! For my family members, for my friends, for myself, or really for anyone else, stranger or enemy. And all I know to do is pray. Pray, pray, pray! And truth be told, even in my moment of defeat under the covers in my dark room, that’s all I was doing. And it occurred to me how weak I really am. I choose to surrender to God because it’s comforting to know that I can draw from His strength. That I can trust in the promises He made to me, and that’s what gives me hope. And with so much bad stuff happening, His hope and His strength are the only two things I can count on.
I know I’ll have more self-pity parties between now and my last breath, and it’s ok. Sometimes you need bad days so you can appreciate the good ones. I know my family member will be ok. I will be ok. But cancer still sucks, and that’s ok. …because Jesus is the healer, the hope-bearer, and the strength giver.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.